Apartment Living is Why I Have So Many Character Templates to Work With.


(not my place)

I still have this romanticized image of myself sitting in an apartment with a flood of natural light, a few large plants that frame my boho décor and morning spent gazing out on a glorious view while I drink my morning coffee but, and I mean this with my entire chest, I don't want it anymore. Ever again maybe. Why? Because my "perfect" apartment made me realize that I loathe noisy people with a passion unknown to mankind.


When I moved out of my ancestral home, also known as my parents house, it was a moment to remember. Packing for a new adventure made my soul flutter. I was so freaking excited that my journal entrees for that time literally just said, "I'm so excited!" But life had other plans and the universe very clearly wanted me to learn that I have a very specific set of buttons that when pushed, turn me into a full Karen.


While I have several harrowing stories about my first (and last) apartment, I will start from the beginning.


When we moved in, we were both just so enamored. Two bedrooms in the middle of a busy city, close to our jobs and the rent wasn't impossible. It was so perfect on paper and would have continued to be perfect if not for the first neighbor on the chopping block, we'll call them Harbinger of Roaches. Harb for short.


They were in the apartment next to us before we moved in, we saw them precisely once before they moved about a year later, and I'm not entirely convinced that they didn't die and no one notified us. The thing is, from what I remember, Harb was nice. Again, I'm saying all of that off of the one encounter but they seemed an alright sort of person.


Within the first month of living in this apartment we noticed a few roaches here and there. That was weird considering I became a neurotic neat freak during that time and was frequently vacuuming, scrubbing surfaces and checking crannies. I even laid traps that went unused for weeks at a time. By the time I'd finally had enough and called the property manager (who will have his own tell-all at some point) he laughed at me over the phone and said "Oh, that's because Harb is disgusting. Your whole building has roaches because of them."


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"Pardon?" I asked, fist clenching around the can of roach spray in my hand.


"Yeah I can go ahead and add you to the pest control list."


So, we were added. I called my mom before I went off on the Property Manager and the following week we had our first spraying. Nothing happened though because Harb, as I would come to find out, wasn't on the spraying list. Harb didn't want strange people in their filthy apartment and I could not put them on the list to save my own place. So we suffered with roaches for about a year. Full transparency, the sightings did slow down within two months of the first spraying but if we so much as missed one appointment (because we couldn't be put on permanently for some reason and had to send a letter every time) they would come back full force.


At some point, Harb moved out. We heard nothing, saw nothing and only knew because the roaches suddenly disappeared. There wasn't peace though, because our upstairs neighbor (who will also have a tell-all written about them in the future because they were BY FAR the worst) decided that having a party every weekend was conducive to everyone else's wellbeing. Spoiler, it wasn't. Also all of this other stuff:


  • A whole ass shopping structure was built not even 500 feet away from my balcony. Have you ever lived near a construction zone where they don't obey the lawful ordinances in place to protect the residence in the area? I have. I should have sued everyone for this because I still can't hear out of left ear correctly.

  • New next door neighbor decided that he was a hot shot music producer, brought the place, remodeled, set up some kind of studio, was obnoxious, and moved away approximately 4 months later.

  • Neighbor after him couldn't figure out the automatic locks they put on the door and frequently needed to climb over my balcony to get to theirs so they could break in their back door. Honestly, she was nice and we didn't really care. But alas, she also moved within months.

  • Neighbor after them is cool. She has a cat named Squiggs whom I want to pet but he hates me. That's fair, Squiggs.

  • Neighbor on the other side of me (whom I'm hoping has moved away as I've had semi-peace for a while now) had the cutest dogs but the worst taste in music and he played it loud ALL the time.

  • New upstairs neighbor, after the ones who got kicked out for partying every weekend) has a boyfriend who literally moos when he reaches the proverbial mountaintop. If I wasn't clear, he moos when he orgasms. He is so loud, I feel like I'm in the room. To say I feel violated is an understatement.

  • The moving truck hit and run on my vehicle where my neighbor chased them for two blocks, confronted them, took photos of the truck and I stupidly called the company to inform them of the hit and run laws in this state. When the dude returned, he pretended like he didn't smash the back end of my car and run off. This was a whole saga honestly.

  • The guy downstairs who may or may not have loaded his kids into a minivan while chugging a beer. That was uncomfortable. His gf/wife/situationship also thought my Mexican-Filipino partner was part of the grounds keeping staff... this almost cause a fight.

  • Did I mention the mice that popped up because of the construction...

  • The great storage unit battle of 2018 (this was 100% me being petty and I apologize in hindsight).

  • Property Manager 1 and 2 are getting their own but 1 was a special breed of narcissist. To preface, the people who lived in this apartment before us were the members of a rather popular band. They had white-man dreads and those things were in EVERY drain. Not a damn thing was done to clean this place before we moved in.

  • Leigh is the worst real estate manager and we will be talking about why I think her husband is for sure cheating on her.


I figured my misery could bring someone else some cringe joy.

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Living here hasn't been all bad, truly. I don't think any experience can be truly awful. However, I cannot wait to for the day where I can move into a house. I am the type of person who needs predictable noises and long bouts of peace. Maybe I should thank all my colorful neighbors for showing me that. Silver lining?




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